


His Soul To Keep

by Arsenic



Category: Miss Saigon - Schönberg/Boublil/Maltby
Genre: Gen, discussion of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2014-12-18
Packaged: 2018-03-01 23:58:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2792402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Arsenic/pseuds/Arsenic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tam finds out how Kim died.</p>
            </blockquote>





	His Soul To Keep

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Carbon](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Carbon/gifts).



> Treatee asked: what happens when an older Tam finds out about his mother? How does he react to knowing that Kim had to kill herself in order to force Chris and Ellen to take him?

Tam finds out by accident when he's eight. Of course he does, because neither dad nor Ellen would ever have told him. Uncle John certainly wouldn't have. He finds out because, in the words of Ellen, his Aunt Jenny is a "very unhappy person who likes to make other people unhappy as well."

Normally they never let Aunt Jenny babysit, but they'd had a babysitter cancel on them last minute, and Aunt Jenny was the only option, other than canceling themselves. Tam really does try to be good for Aunt Jenny, and he definitely didn't mean to knock the baby's bottle on the floor. He was actually just trying to help, and the bottle should have been tight enough not to come apart and spill everywhere anyway, but he does knock it over and it does spill everywhere and Aunt Jenny has a fit.

"Stupid! Stupid! You wouldn’t even be here if your slut of a mother hadn't killed herself. Your father had no choice, you hear?"

Tam hears. He hears and hears and hears. He can hear nothing else for the rest of the night.

*

Dad notices something is wrong immediately. Tam's the oldest, he's the big boy, and he tries to be. He needs to be, especially now that he knows, knows they didn’t want him.

But the next night, as he's putting Tam to bed, Dad asks, "What’s up, kiddo? You've been kinda quiet today."

Tam shrugs. He doesn't want to have to tell Dad what he knows, that he wasn't—isn't—wanted, not like his baby brother. Dad ruffles his hair and says, "You can tell me anything, you know that, right?"

Tam nods his head. He's tired. Dad waits another minute, before he says, "Okay, well. I'm here."

*

It comes out because Ellen tells him to go to his room for not doing his chores—he forgot, he'd actually meant to, but he'd gotten distracted—and, frustrated, he tells her, "You're not my mom! You didn’t even want me!"

Ellen blinks at that and Dad asks, "What?"

"Nothing," Tam says, and stomps away to go to his room, but Dad follows.

Dad sits on the bed next to him and asks, "What did that mean, Tam? What makes you think Ellen didn't want you?"

"Neither of you did," Tam says, trying to be a big boy, but failing, breaking into sobs.

"Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on? Where did you hear that?"

Tam sobs out what Aunt Jenny said and Dad just holds him and rocks him. When he's calmed down enough to listen, Dad says, "You can't listen to your Aunt Jenny. She doesn't know anything. Your mom—she, she _loved_ you more than anyone or anything in the world, and Ellen and I didn't want to take you away from that. Do you understand? From the moment I saw you, Tam, I knew you were mine and I wanted you close to me forever."

"But—but she killed herself?"

Dad sighs. "Sometimes, kiddo, adults make bad decisions with the right intentions behind them. Your mom wanted you to have the best life you could, and she thought in order for that to happen, she couldn't be part of it. I still think she was wrong, and I wish so badly that she was here for you and you had more memories of her. But it was nothing to do with wanting to leave you. If anything, I think she thought that was her only way to be with you forever."

Tam frowns. "She's not with me."

Dad kisses his head. "She is, Tam. Trust me, trust me she's watching over you, and proud and thrilled at the big boy you've become. If nothing else, you have to believe me on that fact, and that I love you. Ellen and I both love you."

Tam burrows into Dad's side. He doesn’t know what he believes, but it feels safe there, and for the moment, that's what he needs.


End file.
